“Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life, and He will give you many years ….” Deuteronomy 30:19
One year ago….what is it about a year that makes the pain return so violently when it comes full circle. We mark so much of our lives by dates and anniversaries….particularly that first year. I guess we want something to complete a process and say “I have survived a year and am still standing.” Whether it is marriage, sobriety, birthdays, or death, there is something significant about the first year.
We lost our precious Bradford a year ago and I find myself sad and weepy again. Delivering her still seems so surreal. Did it all really happen? I deep downed had hoped(and actually believed) I would be pregnant again by now or at least have jump started my period after a 14 year hiatus. Neither has happened. It seems my body just went right back to its weird state of being and has only added to the memory of our loss. I am still grieving the loss of a dream….of a little girl…of bows…of dolls…of proms…of boyfirends…of long talks. I love my own mother so much. I am beyond thankful for the relationship we have. She is a remarkable woman and though I made life tough for her at times she has continued to love me and I cherish her so much. I never realized how much I longed for that relationship with my own daughter until we lost Bradford. I know everyone has a dream they have lost. I have learned I must grieve the loss of that dream as well as the child we have lost.
Now as I sit a year later I am struck with what to do with that lost dream. I am not proud of the decisions I made this past year when I saw pregnant women or newborn babies. If anyone out there thought they saw me…my dark hair blowing behind me as I ran away…it probably was me. I have to confess to Dena Pope(if she even reads this) I saw you one day at a store and couldn’t face you. I am embarassed by my childishness and inability to respond to situations but just couldn’t seem to emotionally do it. I feel like after a year of survival I can now not run away. I am praying this means I am healing more each day. I actually thought God might spare me on April 30th(her actual delivery date). However, as I was looking at Walmart that day a young woman holding two dresses said “excuse me, which do you think would look better on me? You see I am going clubbing tonight and I want to hide my belly..I am 7 monthspregant.” I am sure she thought I had to have some mental problem as I just stared at her and blinked. I finally was able to mutter out…”the pink one”. Okay so what I wanted to say was far more colorful but in that moment I realized this is life and I must choose how I respond to it. I cannot keep trying to avoid the hurt. I must face the challenges this life brings. I must begin again to make the choice to love others in spite of how I feel. The choice has always been there. I just didn’t have the strength to fight. There is something about a year that makes me feel like even though the pain still radiates I will survive another and another…..
“When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabastar jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.” Luke 7:36
This verse came to me in a unique way as I was walking with my children. the smell of bread baking at the local elementary school, the spring air, and our home as I returned took my thoughts to my own childhood. The security and comfort of those smells as a kid was so reasuuring that life was okay. I was indeed blessed to have a loving home, the shelter of my family, the wonder and fun of school, and wonderful holiday celebrations. I had a father and mother who sacrificed some of their dreams and worked everyday so that we would be secure. I am so grateful as my heart breaks for others who did not know this love as a child. And even though we were “sheltered” my parents did an amazing job teaching and allowing us to “fly” and experience life through trips, spring breaks in Panama City(my pour mother), college, and marriage.
Now as an adult there are days I crave that kind of security again. When the pain comes and the waves feel over my head I wish I could walk in from playing outside and smell the sweetness of home and know all is well. So I wonder about my own childern. Have I given them that same sense that all is well? They are with us for such a short amount of time and I want them to experience the sweetness of childhood. I think they need to experience life and know there is heatache and reality but still taste security the of The Lord in our home.
The woman with the perfume….I am that woman…sinful to the core. And the expensive bottle of perfume….my children. That perfume was expensive- probably everything she possessed yet she did not count the cost. Our children are costly and I do not mean financially…but emotionally, physically,spiritually, etc.(just as that woman’s decision beared all those cost) And yet, I would never count the cost. As that woman I desire to shelter our children in a God honoring way. I want to bottle them up in a sense, open them to Jesus, pour them out to Him, and let their frangrant aroma “fly” into the world. Knowing my sin and need for a redeemer I ask him to forgive and bless me with His love. I pray the same for our children. That in this everchanging world they will come to understand their own desperation. They will recoginze their need for a saviour and the shelter that only HE truly can provide because of the shelter we provided. They hopefully will one day wash his feet through tears with their own precious curls. And the wonderful aroma of our children will be the sweetest tickle to the senses of our Saviour King.
P.S. because their really isn’t a good segue I am adding this P.S. My colonoscopy cam back normal…praise God. WE will take a break from doctors for a little while but I continue to have some issues. I would covet anyones continued prayers.
I fell off the treadmill. I am not too bruised but still clinging to the sides it seems holding onto hope I will get up again. I do not feel like I am depressed per say….just having to depend on the Lord more than ever before. I turned 37 yesterday and found myself in a quandry of “what in my life is consequence of my own sin and what does forgiveness of myself look like?” I spent many years abusing my body with anorexia. I felt like I had forgiven myself but as doctors do test after test and I am wondering if I am past the point of no return. I realize maybe I haven’t forgiven myself for all those years as my mind continues to berate me for those years of foolishness. I made my health an idol and found myself on my mind way too much. I still do and I hate it. I try to play with the boys and but I can’t seem to focus wondering what the future holds. I know doctors have to give you worst case scenario but the direction they are heading now is potential colon cancer. I have two more tests this month and my anxiety threatens to consume me when I look at my sweet husband and precious boys. What if they are left without a wife and mother because of the poor choices I made? I keep running that cheesy song in my head..”I don’t know what the future holds but I know who holds the future.” I also find myself battling a movement that has been discussed with me that if we have enough faith God will heal us. I am wrestling with this theology as well for it seems this thinking puts alot of control in my hands and not God’s. (underlying saying I don’t have enough faith or I would be healed…which only adds more guilt to my plate)
“I take great delight in you…I rejoice over you with singing.”Zepaniah 3:17
Turning 37 looked radically different than I had planned. As my birthday came and went I was reminded of the dreams I had just a year earlier as I carried Bradford in my womb. I had felt great anticipation at the year to come and that she would be 7 months old as I turned 37…the timing and everything seemingly perfect. Those days seem a bit haunting to me even now. My heart aches at the thought of those days and how her death set off a year from hell. I still can feel the heat of the flames. I keep wondering when will God douse me with water and soothe the burn? I so want to be different starting today my first day of 37. I am begging God to open my mind, to THE truth everyday, to open my eyes to His love for me even when I don’t feel it, to open my ears to Him singing over me. I want to be positive, BELIEVING He is who He says He is….and I am who HE says I am..His child. I want to hold onto hope that He professes I can claim as mine. I do wish to be still, rest, and know that He is God.
“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put in to practice. And the God of peace shall be with you.” Phillipians 4:8-9
I have quoted the first part of these verses so many times to gain control over my wrong thinking. I have made choices in my home and in my life based on these verse and yet have never noticed the last words. Its the putting into practice that brings peace. How often I say I believe one thing then my response says I believe another. I tell one person you are forgiven and then walk away only to berate myself over something I have done.
Again, I want to be different….I want the deep ceded knowledge that God is in control of my mind, my heart, and my life. I am asking God to grant me renewed joy and hope and the strength to “practice what I preach.” The old saying that practice makes us perfect…..I could stand a lot of practice to be more like Jesus…knowing only He in an through me can accomplish that in me at 37 years, 52 years, 77 years, and hopefully even 90 years of age. He holds the future…..
Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something….hope…care..custody. These are the words the dictionary uses to give an understanding of Trust. Such a small word with such huge implications. Trust. What does “trust” mean for someone…who has been abused…forsaken…hurt…wounded…minced by words. I imagine that everyone can recall a memory of broken trust. It probably still causes a shift in our stance, change in our facial expression, and a coldness in our skin when we think on it. For trust to be regained once misused is a trecherous road. I transfer human mistrust to God so often asking “What do I do with a God whom I am not sure to be trustworthy?”
There are so many questions we have to ask in this season of our lives and I find myself in emotional upheaval trying to answer them all it. I look at future doctors appts and feel this sense of fear that overtakes me. I hear of another bill and I am quick to doubt and be ungrateful. I have this inner turmoil- not wanting to let go and trust God with our decisions. I think “Surely he has better things to do than deal with my pettiness.” Its like I am on a treadmill holding a bookbag, purse, magazines, ipod, cookbook, checkbook, bills, while watching a tv over head in numbness. This is not the way I want to live because I know I will take that wrong step, stumble and it will all come crashing down. GOD did not design me to carry that kind of burdensome weight. “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves…their forms will decay in the grave.” Psalm 49:13. THis sounds harsh but its kind of where I get to when I trust in myself and my own strength….tired and decayed. But then there is the question again…can I trust God? after what He has taken? from me?…from people of Haiti?…from friends in immense grief? How do Icome to a place of surrendered trust?
“I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord is my strength and my song.” Isaiah 12:2 Its so scary-letting go. But he tells me all through out his word to trust and not be afraid. In the words of Joyce Meyer(for Amberly) “you will have fear but do it afraid.” Obviously, this is an area of my life that God wants me to rise up in as it faces me every turn I make. I feel my nose beaten and bruised running into large walls with “trust me” graffitti on them. I turn away, retreat and head another direction…I can do this myself. I have come to a place today on the floor crying out to God as the walls surround me now. “O Sovereign Lord, you are God, Your words are trustworthy..”2 samuel 2:28. So the issue is not whether He is TRUSTWORTHY-HE IS…its whether I will choose to trust him or keep running my own way. I am exhausted…I so want to know the assured reliance on HIS character, His ability, His strength, His truth….His Hope..HIs care…His custody that I may love Him like a child in his trusted arms.
I have spent more time in doctor’s offices in the first two weeks of 2010 than I did the entire year of 2009. I have read so many magazines in waiting rooms I should be a guru on how people live in Hollywood, how to organize my entire house, and how to cook that perfect meal. With that said, I am so very thankful to have doctors and healthcare specialized to know such intricate areas of our bodies. God made us so amazingly complex -I am in awe at doctor’s abilities to help us.
So I shall begin our journey…Sawyer has brought us a gift from Ethiopia in the form of a bacteria called H. Pylori. It is a pretty basic bacteria but can reak havoc on your stomach and esophagus. He had to have an upper endoscopy(had to stick a tube down his throat) to find out what was going on. It was a long day in the hospital of vomit and became even longer the ride home stuck in trafiic on I-85 as he vomits in his carseat. Aren’t you glad I shared) A pretty helpless feeling as mom. Again inspite of all the frustration, so grateful for the doctor who put in the years at school to be able to even perform this procedure to help children. They found alot going on in Sawyer’s body but are treating one thing at a time…first the H. Pylori which is treated with 3 antibiotics. Next for him will be giardia(for the 4th time) and potential celiac disease. So anyone who is adopting from EThiopia-I would love to be a health resource for you if you have any issues with your children that are similar.
On to me…I have seen many specialists as it pertains to fertility and pregnancy and after 20+ viles of blood taken they discovered I have a blood clotting disorder(it has a long technical name). What this means to me is that if I were to ever get pregnant againI would have to give myself a shot in the stomach everyday. Good stuff -but am more than willing to do it if GOd allows me to conceive! It also is why they believe Bradford died. The pathology autopsy revealed a clot in the vessel from me to the placenta. There was a part of me that felt relieved that I didn’t do something and then a part still frustrated at God for allowing the clotting to be an issue(once again the battle of “isn’t He able to fix a small bloodclot”) I have moments that I wonder if I had just taken baby aspirin would she be here with us. I recognize though the Lord chose not to intervene and His plan was for her to live only 20 weeks.(can’t say I am at perfect peace with that truth yet)
On a lighter note, I also have the H. Pylori and will soon begin treatment as well. My wonderful friend Kristin brought a whole new perpective to these diagnosis. She just laughed and said “Yeah, you have blood clotting and H. pylori, at least you know and can treat it!” Everyone needs a friend like her to bring you to a place of praise. I need to be reminded of the blessing of the medical advancements and care we are so privleged to have here. A reminder too that I am broken and in need of help….”my soul yearns, even faints, forthe courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.”
All of my plights seem so trivial and insignificant in light of what has happened in Haiti. I have cried at so many horiffic images. I can’t seem to fathom the heartache or breathe it in completely. I know God is good….it just a truth that is hard to hold onto when you see such devastation…. My eyes are too teary to even begin to see clearly or understand his ways.
Surely in this day of naming syndromes and disorders they could have found some kind of Mother’s Alzheimers disease. Thinking over this past year I have been so flaky, scattered, and forgetful. My Wii fitness age was 47 and it asked me if I tripped alot when I walked. I have wondered about the year to come and thought of what I want to resolve. The only thing about resolutions is that it puts all the pressure on me to make it happen in my own strength. I came upon the verse in 2 Timothy 6 where Paul is at the end of his ministy. “For I am already being poured out like a drink offering.” I want to give offerings for this New Year. By nature of the words he uses it suggest a surrender to the hand of God. None of us can pour ourselves out. I need the Lord to hold the handle, to be the steadiness so that my drink will go into the glass it was intended. I have tried to do it on my own this past year and have made alot of messes along the way. (it may be why I also see things half empty-so much has spilled without HIM) I am making offerings to the Lord admitting that without his strength I will never be able to fill anything. So I offer these areas of my life for God to take and pour out…
1) Being Average– Outside of my unusual knowledge of 80’s movies and music I am pretty plain jane. I am an average height, weight, and shoe size. I could not write a book on Parenting as I have no clue what I am doing most days. I have no thoughts on potty training as I cannot remember how we even did it. Though I enjoy cooking, with an oven with electrical PMS and grocery store amnesia I cannot offer wisdom on feeding a large family. Most days its a wonder I don’t come home to children who have turned into chicken nuggetts. These Tyson delectables are elegantly served with ketchup at least one meal a day.(that and of course PB&J). I do not excel really in the arts or sports. I remember playing basketball and hearing people yell “don’t give it to the white girl!” God had a marvelous tendency to use average people in scripture to work out his will. I often think of Mary who upon being pregnant with Jesus said “He is been mindful fo the humble state of his servant.” I am led to believe that Mary was an average woman and yet God chose her to bear our Saviour. I am offering to the Lord my averageness for Him to pour out and accomplish His purposes and love others well.
2)Being Forgiving– I feel like I am a forgiving person and yet the person at the checkout who treats me like an idiot or someone hurting me in deeper ways seem to stay with me longer than I am comfortable. I tend to allow it to effect the way I interact with my kids and with David fot the rest of the day. I also know I do not feel forgiven- I carry alot of guilt and the weight of it all keeps me from being poured out at all. “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grieveances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” COL 3:13. I want to be quick to forgive and even quicker to ask for forgiveness. I am offering this to God that he might pour out His forgiveness of me so others might drink of it. With an empty glass then Christ can continue to refill my cup with His forgiveness of me.
3)Being Generous– I like my stuff. You know that stuff. We all have it. Those things we hourd yet we absoulutely do not know why. “why would I part with these shoes…they might come back in style.” While meanwhile there are people without shoes period. There are people who might need a listening ear and I find myself waying how it might alter my day to give up that time. And yet there are so many who give up their time to listen to me. I am that mom who goes to birthday parties without a gift in tow because I dont’ feel like it “fits” into our budget. Yes I admitted it. I do things like that all the time. I am so embarrassed by it an yet try to make some excuse for it…that we live month to month..that I am trying to be frugal- after all we live on a youth pastor’s salary. Which by the way we can live fine off of and still be generous so what is my problem? I am greedy and selfish…UGH. The most horrible thing about it all is how generous others and the church have been to us. “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? EVERYTHING comes from you…” 1Chronicles 29:14. I desire to offer my generosity this next year-I want to be free to give and give freely. I would love God to pour out through me His generosity not only with money but with my time as well. Oh Lord please show me where and how to give and be willing to give up my comfort for others.
4)Being Hopeful– Most therapists don’t offer much hope for me outside of medication to reign in my racing mind( I am allergic to the medications) My endocrinologist says “You are a confusing case as your bloodwork doesn’t match what your body is doing.” I have heard this from most every doctor I have ever had. She, however, gave us hope that we might be able to conceive again and wants to help us try. Hope is a hard notion to reconcile after the year we have had. I am wondering where my hope actually lies. In the Lord? in doctors? in myself? So often I think I am not hoping in the right things because I do not want to be dissapointed anymore. How do I offer hope when I don’t know if I have any to pour out? I have been told to hope in life to come..heaven persay…I have trouble hoping in that way. What about hope for the living-how do we have hope in this life? I stumbled on the verse In Zechariah “Return to your fortress, O prisoners of Hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” I have been using this verse to ask God to bless us with twin girls….is it wrong to hope for this being this is a “worldy prayer? But then the word prisoner stuck out to me. What does it mean to be a prisoner of hope? Confined by hope so there is no escaping. What kind of hope is God promising here? IF God does not answer my prayers do I still pray for and give hope to others who are praying for their own miracles. I want to offer my hopefulness to others…but not a hope of what we can do. A hope of what we can’t do-save ourselves. God’s pouring out his wrath on His Son is the only hope I have for my wretched heart. I want Him to pour out this hope through me with steady hand so that the glass will be full and I may offer it to other thirsty souls.
We love our time at Grandfather mountain and Gingercake, NC during the Thanksgiving holidays. It is so beautiful up there and we are so blessed to spend our time with the Mcneelys and Steve and Rachel Davis. I have the most wonderful in-laws and am so thankful for the constant love they have shown towards me. Steve and Rachel, well, I love more than I can really express in words…they are just fun, easy, and so cool to be with. I admire them both and cherish the time we get to spend with them every year. Steve and Rachel help me have a little culture and make me think of life in new ways(you guys didn’t know all that did you?)
As I am living out the holiday season I was thinking of holidays in days past and I felt the Lord wanted me to remember and pray:
for those who children will never know the wonderment of the holiday-May God somehow bring them peace and comfort
for those who had to let go of someone too soon and their seat in the room or at the table saddens their hearts-may God make allow their memories to bring great solace and even some laughter
for those who are in in-house treatment for addictions to strong to conquer alone-May God grant you strength and may His arms hold you in the lonliness of missing your family and your family missing you
for those who are bound to addictions, struggling to make it through the temptations and anxieties that the holidays brings-May God somehow renew your mind and body and His love would pour over you.
for those who are awaiting the adoption of children-May God grant them endurance and they wait and hope for good news.
for those who have no worries, Halleluyah!!-May God allow them to cherish the blessing of the holiday,of who He is, and who He came to save.
“And HE will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah9
“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives…to comfort all who mourn…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61
It hits me unaware. I will be going along just fine, even having great moments of joy and all of a sudden a trigger just explodes and the grief and sorrow come shooting out and I am dissolved to tears. Arms aching to hold Bradford again…heart breaking at never hearing her laughter…no little dresses or dolls…no wonderment of holidays and birthdays…a void in our home I cannot explain. I assumed life would eventually sweep us away, the grief would become a distant memory, and our lives would be “normal” again after time went by. I now am understanding that their will never be normal again and our lives have forever been changed…my relationship with my Lord has been forever changed…and my view of this world has forever been changed. Normalcy has no place anymore and as the tears cease to flow somedays. I beg God to show me what am I to do with thisstrong emotion. I do not want to lose hope but what does that mean? Where does my hope lie anyway?
We have recently begun working with a reproductive endocrinologist to figure out what in the world is going on in my body. I have not had a period in over 14 years. How did I get pregnant anyway? We are left to believe in it all that God specifically formed Bradford to take her away. Dear Lord what kind of God does that? Can He be trusted? So here in lies our dilemma with the God we thought we had come to know over the 36 years of life. Our theology and view of GOd has taken a blow that has left us bruised and bleeding…with very little fight in us anymore. We are faced now with some hard decisions as it relates to becoming pregnant and I can’t seem to find any answers. GOd didn’t need anything to allow me to be pregnant so why do we have to try stuff to get pregnant again? Why the constant struggle…its only seems to lead to despair. Can’t it just be easy for once? We are too old and too poor to be pursuing fertility treatments and yet the longing to bear children is so strong- a war which constantly rages within me. Not to mention if I did get pregnant-would got take that baby too? He certainly is capable. You can imagine I just want peace. I do not want to be obsessed or worried over it all but as many women know it is hard not to be. I have prayed that God would take the desire away.
I will confess a longstanding sin in all of this. I find myself resentful of women who get pregnant so easily and take it for granted. ANd of course, where does that lead but an inability to love them which is so hanus. I want to shake my fist at God and say “why do I have to do all this…gain the weight…”let it go”…take medication…make sure our sex life is in great…make sure I am “doing” everything right…while other women who are smaller than me…some don’t even want kids…some are on meth…(youcan tell where this is going) I am telling you…HANUS and so from the pit of hell. O God..”Proclaim freedom” for me-the captive of death and destructive thinking.
“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is praiseworthy-think about such things.” Phil 4:8.
O LOrd this is where I want to be. Please set this captive free…show me how to think on such things that edify and encourage. Help me to use this pain to bind up the brokenhearted..to be a comfort to those who mourn. Use this mess Lord. Use Bradford. Use me to: bestow beauty to those I am resentful of, to give the oil of gladness to those I am jealous of, to wrap a garment of praise around those who are grieved and facing despair. God you have got to help me look beyond myself and my pain…I have nto the strength in those moments. You do. “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor…they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61 Grant me the strength of an oak, rooted and steadfast, blown by the wind, but not destroyed, so I might display your glory.
Facebook is a phenomena to me. I find myself checking it at least once a day awaiting news, connecting with old friends, looking at statuses, laughing and admiring pictures..you know how it is. A myriad of emotions rush through me in one sitting that makes me wonder at it all. News of pregnancies, baby births, and fun family vacations (though happy for them) make me aware it isn’t me. I see pictures of old friends getting togerther, smile, and then realize I wasn’t invited to the party. I read status’s-some of which make me smile and yet others might reveal a broken heart which saddens me. Oh the pictures…new families, children, old times, and telling photos that show I have not aged as well as my classmates. (david assures me noone would willingly put a terrible picture of themselves on there) Thanks to my friend Meredith and doing the “chester cheetah” in a self portrait I have a doozie. I was moritfied when I saw it and why? Shouldn’t I be able to be transparent even on Facebook? Obviously there is a “wall” there to hide behind. I believe what all us are longing for with it all is intimacy. I know I do. A desire to reach out of these physical walls(especially with children) and “touch” someone else’s life and be a piece of their world. And yet are we completely real, tangible, loving people beyond facebook messages? So often the news feed leaves me discontent, thirsty, and longing because I cannot see the people face to face. And yet I am drawn to it as a substitute to try to quench it all. Some days even more than spending time drinking in His word and meeting my Lord face to face. So it makes me wonder….
What would Jesus be like on Facebook? I am not trying to be disrepectful but would he have to ask the disciples to be his friend….would they confirm the Almighty’s request…would they start a fan club? How many friends would He have anyway? and oh the pictures and statuses….”I just tagged my thumb with a hammer” ….”wonder when my parents will realize I didn’t come home from the temple?”….”only one came back to thank me”….”will my disicples ever get a clue?”….”It is finished!” And his pictures…would he upload the wedding pictures…have family photos by the fig trees…dare someone put the unbecoming picture of the cross? I really don’t think Jesus would be a facebook kind of guy – human touch was too important to Him. During His journey on Earth His healings mostly used human touch and face to face interaction. I believe He wanted people to experience this intimacy. Jesus spoke to the woman at the well so intimately in saying “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give Him will never thirst.” John 4:13 Jesus knows the “water” of this world will never satisfy us. I think all the technology is great fun and can be useful in so many ways in our lives. I want to be sure though I am seeking intimacy with my saviour first and pouring that “water” out to the lives around me. I want to desire His water and Spirit to fill my soul so I will taste the satisfaction of a quenching intimacy with Him. Nothing false or photoshoped…just the true son of God.
I clean our guest bathroom only to have a son pee all over the floor an hour after an hour before my sweet in-laws are to arrive. I physically carry my six year old screaming to school and walk away through tears. I pick up another son who is under a table at chick-fil-a eating the crumbs of other peoples food. “I don’t want to eat that” cries another son out of an ungrateful and spoiled heart. These are the things of life that inconvenience me and try my patience as a parent. Why can’t they get it? and then I hear God whisper the same thing to me.
He has cleansed me and washed me-I go and mess it all up- He comes back again and cleans me…after all He just wants me to be ready for His arrival. “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.” Psalm 51:2
I go through some days kicking and screaming in rebellion and through tears… sometimes He leaves me there..knowing its what is best for my life. At the end of the day I will come home- glad I went through it after all(my son did). “Come let us return to the Lord..He has torn us to pieces BUT He will heal us, He has injured us but will bind up our wounds..He will restore us that we may live in His presence.” Hosea 6
I continue to beg for crumbs…He tenderly picks me up and shows me the feast He has prepared for me. “you prepare a table before me…my cup overflows…surely goodness and love will follow me.” Psalm 23
I throw His kindness back in His face and say “I don’t like this” and expose my ungrateful and spoiled heart. God remains stedfast and so patient with me…”The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, forgiving wickedness, rebellion, and sin.” Exodus 34:6
As my days live out I pray that when my impatience arises(and it will) that he will remind me…and whisper His patience to me.