Surely in this day of naming syndromes and disorders they could have found some kind of Mother’s Alzheimers disease.  Thinking over this past year I have been so flaky, scattered, and forgetful.  My Wii fitness age was 47 and it asked me if I tripped alot when I walked.  I have wondered about the year to come and thought of what I want to resolve.  The only thing about resolutions is that it puts all the pressure on me to make it happen in my own strength.  I came upon the verse in 2 Timothy 6 where Paul is at the end of his ministy.   “For I am already being poured out like a drink offering.”    I want to give offerings for this New Year.  By nature of the words he uses it suggest a surrender to the hand of God.  None of us can pour ourselves out.  I need the Lord to hold the handle, to be the steadiness so that my drink will go into the glass it was intended.  I have tried to do it on my own this past year and have made alot of messes along the way. (it may be why I also see things half empty-so much has spilled without HIM)   I am  making offerings to the Lord admitting that without his strength I will never be able to fill anything.   So I offer these areas of my life for God to take and pour out…

1) Being Average– Outside of my unusual knowledge of 80’s movies and music I am pretty plain jane.  I am an average height, weight, and shoe size.  I could not write a book on Parenting as I have no clue what I am doing most days.  I have no thoughts on potty training as I cannot remember how we even did it.  Though I enjoy cooking, with an oven with electrical PMS and grocery store amnesia I cannot offer wisdom on feeding a large family.  Most days its a wonder I don’t come home to children who have turned into chicken nuggetts.  These Tyson delectables are elegantly served with ketchup at least one meal a day.(that and of course PB&J).  I do not excel really in the arts or sports.  I remember playing basketball and hearing people yell “don’t give it to the white girl!”    God had a marvelous tendency to use  average people in scripture to work out his will. I often think of Mary who upon being pregnant with Jesus said “He is been mindful fo the humble state of his servant.”  I am led to believe that Mary was an average woman and yet God chose her to bear our Saviour. I am offering  to the Lord my averageness for Him to  pour out and  accomplish His purposes and love others well.

2)Being Forgiving–  I feel like I am a forgiving person and yet the person at the checkout who treats me like an idiot or someone hurting me in deeper ways seem to stay with me longer than I am comfortable.  I tend to allow it to effect the way I interact with my kids and with David fot the rest of the day.  I also know I do not feel forgiven- I carry alot of guilt and the weight of it all keeps me from being poured out at all. “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grieveances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” COL 3:13.  I want to be quick to forgive and even quicker to ask for forgiveness.  I am offering this to God that he might pour out His forgiveness of me so others might drink of it.   With an empty glass then Christ can continue to refill my cup with His forgiveness of me.

3)Being Generous–  I like my stuff.  You know that stuff.  We all have it.  Those things we hourd yet we absoulutely do not know why.  “why would I part with these shoes…they might come back in style.”  While meanwhile there are people without shoes period. There are people who might need a listening ear and I find myself waying  how it might alter my day to give up that time.  And yet there are so many who give up their time to listen to me.  I am that mom who goes to birthday parties without a gift in tow because I dont’ feel like it “fits” into our budget. Yes I admitted it.  I do things like that all the time. I am so embarrassed by it an yet try to make some excuse  for it…that we live month to month..that I am trying to be frugal- after all we live on  a youth pastor’s salary.  Which by the way we can live fine off of and still be generous so what is my problem?    I am greedy and selfish…UGH.  The most horrible thing about it all is how generous others and the church have been to us.  “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this?  EVERYTHING comes from you…”  1Chronicles 29:14.  I desire to offer my generosity this next year-I want to be free to give and give freely.  I would love God to pour out through me His generosity not only with money but with my time as well.  Oh Lord please show me where and how to give and be willing to give up my comfort for others.

4)Being Hopeful– Most therapists don’t offer much hope for me outside of medication to reign in my racing mind( I am allergic to the medications)   My endocrinologist says “You are a confusing case as your bloodwork doesn’t match what your body is doing.”  I have heard this from most every doctor I have ever had.  She, however, gave us hope that we might be able to conceive again and wants to help us try.   Hope  is a hard notion to reconcile after the year we have had.  I am wondering where my hope actually lies.  In the Lord? in doctors? in myself?  So often I think I am not hoping in the right things because I do not want to be dissapointed anymore.  How do I offer hope when I don’t know if I have any to pour out?  I have been told to hope in life to come..heaven persay…I have trouble hoping in that way.  What about hope for the living-how do we have hope in this life?   I stumbled on the verse In Zechariah “Return to your fortress, O prisoners of Hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.”  I have been using this verse to ask God to bless us with twin girls….is it wrong to hope for this being this is a “worldy prayer?    But then the word prisoner stuck out to me.  What does it mean to be a prisoner of hope?  Confined by hope so there is no escaping. What kind of hope is God promising here?   IF God does not answer my prayers do I still pray for and give hope to others who are praying for their own miracles.  I want to offer my hopefulness to others…but not a hope of what we can do.   A hope of what we can’t do-save ourselves.  God’s pouring out his wrath on His Son is the only hope I have for my wretched heart.  I want Him to pour out this hope through me with steady hand so that the glass will be full and I may offer it to other thirsty souls.


By Lori Godaire on December 31st, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Judith, you are the most honest and genuine person I know. Thank you for sharing… and thank you for putting into words many of the feelings you have that are shared by the rest of us. You have been through so much, but you have been blessed beyond many, many people. God is using you, with your weaknesses and your strengths. May He continue to refine you in the coming new year.. to find that gold that He knows lies deep inside you. He is molding you and preparing you for His purpose for you. Many, many blessings on you and your sweet family.

I thoroughly enjoying reading your posts…they inspire me to be a better daughter of the King of Kings.

Judith, thank you for sharing so honestly. I have many of the same feelings and concerns. I do not have the knowledge of the scriptures to help me. I am working on that though. I to have had thoughts that I have too much “stuff”. I am actually dealing with that right now.
I am also seeking God for another child. I feel selfish and like I may not be appreciative of the one I have (which I am), I am going through fertility treatment again and, that makes me wonder is this Gods will or my fleshly desire. I am working in that too.

Thank you again for sharing. Just reading your post is helpful to me. Love Yall

I came across your blog through Together for Adoption. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your honest, sincere and heartfelt words. Your blog is one of my favorites…thank you!
Blessings to you!


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