December 5, 2009

“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives…to comfort all who mourn…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”  Isaiah 61

It hits me unaware.  I will be going along just fine, even having great moments of joy and all of a sudden a trigger just explodes and the grief and sorrow come shooting out and I am dissolved to tears.  Arms aching to hold Bradford again…heart breaking at never hearing her laughter…no little dresses or dolls…no wonderment of holidays and birthdays…a void in our home I cannot explain.  I assumed life would eventually sweep us away, the grief would become a distant memory, and our lives would be “normal” again after time went by.  I now am understanding that their will never be normal again and our lives have forever been changed…my relationship with my Lord has been forever changed…and my view of this world has forever been changed.  Normalcy has no place anymore and as the tears cease to flow somedays. I beg God to show me what am I to do with thisstrong emotion.  I do not want to lose hope but what does that mean?  Where does my hope lie anyway?

We have recently begun working with a reproductive endocrinologist to figure out what in the world is going on in my body. I have not had a period in over 14 years.   How did I get pregnant anyway?  We are left to believe in it all that God specifically formed Bradford to take her away.  Dear Lord what kind of God does that? Can He be trusted?  So here in lies our dilemma with the God we thought we had come to know over the 36 years of life.  Our theology and view of GOd has taken a blow that has left us bruised and bleeding…with very little fight in us anymore.  We are faced now with some hard decisions as it relates to becoming pregnant and I can’t seem to find any answers.  GOd didn’t need anything to allow me to be pregnant so why do we have to try stuff to get pregnant again?  Why the constant struggle…its only seems to lead to despair.  Can’t it just be easy for once?  We are too old and too poor to be pursuing fertility treatments and yet the longing to bear children is so strong- a war which constantly rages within me.  Not to mention if I did get pregnant-would got take that baby too?  He certainly is capable.  You can imagine I just want peace.  I do not want to be obsessed or worried over it all but as many women know it is hard not to be.  I have prayed that God would take the desire away. 

I will confess a longstanding sin in all of this.  I find myself resentful of women who get pregnant so easily and take it for granted.  ANd of course, where does that lead but an inability to love them which is so hanus.  I want to shake my fist at God and say “why do I have to do all this…gain the weight…”let it go”…take medication…make sure our sex life is in great…make sure I am “doing” everything right…while other women who are smaller than me…some don’t even want kids…some are on meth…(youcan tell where this is going)  I am telling you…HANUS and so from the pit of hell.  O God..”Proclaim freedom” for me-the captive of death and destructive thinking. 

 “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is praiseworthy-think about such things.” Phil 4:8.

O LOrd this is where I want to be.  Please set this captive free…show me how to think on such things that edify and encourage.  Help me to use this pain to bind up the brokenhearted..to be a comfort to those who mourn.  Use this mess Lord.  Use Bradford.  Use me to: bestow beauty to those I am resentful of, to give the oil of gladness to those I am jealous of, to wrap a garment of praise around those who are grieved and facing despair.  God you have got to help me look beyond myself and my pain…I have nto the strength in those moments.  You do.  “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor…they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61  Grant me the strength of an oak, rooted and steadfast,  blown by the wind, but not destroyed, so I might display your glory.

Comments

I am truly touched by you sharing your heart. I will pray that God will give you a peace during this “war of emotions”. I have never experienced this loss or struggle, but I know how it is to be in bondage to thoughts and sin. God is using you to bring others to him. (I know you through Ryan Compton, I met you five years ago at Moes, I was glad to find your blog)

Judith,
please know I think of you often and am praying for you. I know we often blog to release – to get our feelings out of our head and onto something we can see. I also know that when you write something as personal as this and get little response, how it makes us feel uncared for, ignored, alone. I don’t want you to feel that way. It’s just that your posts are so enlightening, and I think not just to us but to you also. You always end with your own encouragement. So if we, as your readers, ever seem quiet – know that we can see God working in you, speaking to you, and reaching out to you. But also know we are praying for Him to continue to heal and speak to you. I may not have perfect words to encourage you, but still care. – Love to all!

By Kate Von Glahn on December 5th, 2009 at 11:29 am

Judith – I found your blog through Kristin Wyatt’s blog. I know her from Athens at the Wesley Foundation. I am like Tracy and want to say that I hear you. I am believing that you will find peace and answers enough for your own heart. Thank you for trusting those of us who read your blog.

Sweet friend! Thank you for being real. I struggled with all of the same things and had all of the same thoughts. I still do sometimes. Christmas Day will be 5 years since I had Emmie, and you are so right….life is just never the same. The grief gets less intense, but it never goes away. I find myself a little moody and sad every year around this time. Give yourself some grace in your thoughts. You’d be inhuman if you were able to go through this without questions and resentments. I’m praying for you!

Judith – I read your blog regularly and I am always moved. Your story left me wrestling with God and I was so distant from it…I can only get a glimpse of how it has affected you. I find your honesty and ability to share to be truly amazing and I appreciate your heart.

Judith- I ran across your blog from the Together for Adoption website. I went through and read each of your children’s stories. I’ve read many people’s blogs on adoption/fertility and let me tell you, that I have never cried so much after reading a stranger’s story. I want to say thank you for opening yourself up and allowing others to be apart of the journey that your family is on. I too have experienced the joys and pains of infertility, disrupted adoption, adoption and fertility. There are so many things in our story as well as yours that make me ask “why God?” and I still don’t have an answer and probably never will. But I still know that God is good and will heal us in His timing and in His way. Thank you for sharing your heart, you have encouraged this stranger more than you know.

Judith,
I can relate personally to what you wrote. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to be transparent. I think it helps others who are struggling with the same thing. We are 3 and a half years from our fourteen year old son’s death. Grief is not pretty. I think you made a mention of C.S. Lewis’ book, A Grief Observed. That book said things I felt bad for just thinking! It was helpful to know that I was not alone – that others have gone through immense grief and pain before me – and that they were surviving it.

Grief is something that has to be worked through and it is a LONG process. A lifetime. I am so thankful that I am the child of a gracious, merciful heavenly Father who is walking that road with me. Life never does feel the same. I am thankful for a more eternal perspective although I still cling more to this life than I should!

I enjoyed reading your adoption stories. It is great to see God at work in weaving together families. The pain that your early adoption experience brought is beyond my ability to conceive how hard that was.

We have adopted two girls from India and are in the process of adopting a boy. We were just told that the orphanage is having second thoughts about us for this boy – after spending thousands of dollars and about eight+ months of our lives devoted to making it happen! Not to mention falling in love with him and considering him our son already. Very frustrating to say the least. Our agency is hopeful that it will eventually go through, but the wait is so hard when the outcome is in question!

It is easy to say that the Lord is in sovereign control and that we rest in that – easy to say, not always easy to trust in! Our walk of faith is a battle every day, isn’t it?

Thanks for the encouragement! Lori

 

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