January 27th, 2010

Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something….hope…care..custody.  These are the words the dictionary uses to give an understanding of Trust.  Such a small word with such huge implications.  Trust.  What does “trust” mean for someone…who has been abused…forsaken…hurt…wounded…minced by words.  I imagine that everyone can recall a memory of broken trust.  It probably still causes a shift in our stance, change in  our facial expression, and a coldness in our skin when we think on it.   For trust to be  regained once misused is a trecherous road.   I transfer human mistrust to God so often asking “What do I do with a God whom I am not sure to be trustworthy?”

 There are  so many questions we have to ask  in this season of our lives and I find myself in emotional upheaval trying to answer them all it.  I look at future doctors appts and feel this sense of fear that overtakes me.  I hear of another bill and I am quick to doubt and be ungrateful. I have this inner turmoil- not wanting to let go and trust God with our decisions.  I think “Surely he has better things to do than deal with my pettiness.”   Its like I am on a treadmill holding  a bookbag, purse, magazines, ipod, cookbook, checkbook, bills, while watching a tv over head in numbness.  This is not the way I want to live because I know I will take that wrong step, stumble and it will all come crashing down.  GOD did not design me to carry that kind of burdensome weight.  “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves…their forms will decay in the grave.”  Psalm 49:13.  THis sounds harsh but its kind of where I get to when I trust in myself and my own strength….tired and decayed.  But then there is the question again…can I trust God?  after what He has taken?  from me?…from people of Haiti?…from friends in immense grief?  How do Icome to a place of surrendered trust? 

“I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord is my strength and my song.” Isaiah 12:2  Its so scary-letting go.  But he tells me all through out his word to trust and not be afraid.   In the words of Joyce Meyer(for Amberly)  “you will have fear but do it afraid.”  Obviously, this is an area of my life that God wants me to rise up in as it faces me every turn I make.  I feel my nose beaten and bruised running into large walls with “trust me” graffitti on them. I turn away, retreat and head another direction…I can do this myself.  I have come to a place today on the floor crying out to God as the walls surround me now.  “O Sovereign Lord, you are God, Your words are trustworthy..”2 samuel 2:28.  So the issue is not whether He is TRUSTWORTHY-HE IS…its whether I will choose to trust him or keep running my own way.  I am exhausted…I so want to know the assured reliance on HIS character, His ability, His strength, His truth….His Hope..HIs care…His custody that I may love Him like a child in his trusted arms.

Comments

WHAT?!?!?!! Did you just put my name BESIDE Joyce Meyer??? Delete, delete, delete. =) j/k xoxoxoxoxo

 

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