March 15, 2010

I fell off the treadmill.  I am not too bruised but still clinging to the sides it seems holding onto hope I will get up again.  I do not feel like I am depressed per say….just having to depend on the Lord more than ever before.  I turned 37 yesterday and found myself in a quandry of “what in my  life is consequence of  my own sin and what does forgiveness of myself look like?”  I spent many years abusing my body with anorexia.  I felt like I had forgiven myself but as doctors do test after test and I am wondering if I am past the point of no return.  I realize maybe I haven’t forgiven myself for all those years as my mind continues to berate me for those years of foolishness.   I  made my health an idol and found myself on my mind way too much.  I still do and I hate it.   I try to play with the boys and but I can’t seem to focus wondering what the future holds.  I know doctors have to give you worst case scenario but the direction they are heading now is potential colon cancer.   I have two more tests this month and my anxiety threatens to consume me when I look at my sweet husband and precious boys.  What if they are left without a wife and mother because of the poor choices I made?   I keep running that cheesy song in my head..”I don’t know what the future holds but I know who holds the future.”  I also find myself battling a movement that has been discussed with me that if we have enough faith God will heal us.  I am wrestling with this theology as well for it seems this thinking puts alot of control in my hands and not God’s.  (underlying saying I don’t have enough faith or I would be healed…which only adds more guilt to my plate)

“I take great delight in you…I rejoice over you with singing.”Zepaniah 3:17

Turning 37 looked radically different than I had planned.  As my birthday came and went I was reminded of the dreams I had just a year earlier as I carried Bradford in my womb.  I had felt great anticipation at the year to come and that she would be 7 months old as I turned 37…the timing and everything seemingly perfect.  Those days seem a bit haunting to me even now.  My heart aches at the thought of those days and how her death set off a year from hell.  I still can feel the heat of the flames.  I keep wondering when will God douse me with water and soothe the burn? I so want to be different starting today my first day of 37. I am begging God to open my mind, to THE  truth everyday, to open my eyes to His love for me even when I don’t feel it, to open my ears to Him singing over me.   I want to be positive,  BELIEVING  He is who He says He is….and I am who HE says I am..His child.   I want to hold onto hope that He professes I can claim as mine.  I do wish to be still, rest, and know that He is God.

“…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put in to practice.  And the God of peace shall be with you.”  Phillipians 4:8-9

I have quoted the first part of these verses so many times to gain control over my wrong thinking. I have made choices in my home and in my life based on these verse and yet have never noticed the last words.  Its the putting into practice that brings peace.  How often I say I believe one thing then my response says I believe another.  I tell one person you are forgiven and then walk away only to berate myself over something I have done.

Again, I want to be different….I want the deep ceded knowledge that God is in control of my mind, my heart, and my life.  I am asking God to grant me  renewed joy and hope and the strength to  “practice what I preach.”  The old saying that practice makes us perfect…..I could stand a lot of  practice to be more like Jesus…knowing only He in an through me can accomplish that in me at 37 years, 52 years, 77 years, and hopefully even 90 years of age.  He holds the future…..


By Erin Clemmer on March 15th, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Judith, I wish I could express to you how refreshing it is to hear someone being completely honest with where they are at on the journey. Thank you for being transparent.

Just wanted you to know I’m praying for you! I pray you get answers to your health soon and can free yourself from guilt as you continue to trust in the Lord and His perfect plan!

By Heidi Lloyd on March 23rd, 2010 at 10:58 pm

This is my first time to your site even though I live a few doors down from you. I am so sorry for your grief and for your most recent medical journey. I will be praying for you – that God will give you His peace as you put those things in Philippians into practice. I have that verse framed in my house. If you ever need an ear, please come knock on my door. (or if you need a moment away, come bring your children by).

Your honesty continues to be a breath of fresh air Judith…thank you so much for opening your soul so freely.


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